“Why are you rushing?”

I’m not sure what came over me this morning but in my mind I just had this urge to do something, anything. And i poured as much as I could into doing housework. Because i felt i had let you down and not met your expectations somewhere and wanted to desperately make up for it.

Did the feeling start from getting rejected? Yes. But i don’t know. It’s not the first time you said no. Usually i’ll be ok. Not sure why lately its been hitting me differently. And i needed to vent it somehow. Or manage it. But with that said, whatever i was trying to do wasnt enough. 

I then just started eating. And eating. And just kept finding things to eat till it started to get very uncomfortable. Then i headed to work. And i kept going faster. And faster. I started weaving through traffic. But why? I dont know. I just needed something to dull whatever feeling it was in me.

Got to work. Ate somemore till it was too much. Couldnt do anything else so i napped. Woke up feeling better. 

Why am i feeling this way? 

“Feelings are not a problem. They are an indication.”

But of what? Whats troubling me? 

I just want to be normal again. 

Routine

 step 1:

get back to some form of routine for myself

Hysterical Bonding

 

Hysterical bonding can occur when you experience a crisis in your relationship, often due to infidelity or a breach of trust. It involves an intense emotional and physical connection with your partner.

Hysterical bonding often reflects a heightened need for intimacy and reassurance following the crisis. It can manifest as a powerful attachment, increased desire for physical connection, and notable shifts in behaviour.

All of Me

Would this really be a me song if it wasnt techno? hahaha

😘😘😘

Therapy?

 So I’ve been using this as my journal to help me reflect. 

Thats pretty much why the tone is so negative. 

Because i’m in a negtive head space once i feel the need to write. 

I need to admit something here. 

Almost every day, almost every night, i always feel so scared i’ll lose you.

I keep replaying things in my head. I dont want to keep replaying things in my head. But it happens. Almost all the time. 

And it always makes me feel like i’m not enough. Not good enough. But just enough. Not bad enough to leave. 

I know its not true. I see you doing all in your power to prove it wrong. We have talked about it openly. I know you weren’t in the right frame if mind when shit happened. 

I suppose what worries me is you also shared some of these things with your friends. And i felt they didnt really say anything to make you think otherwise. They maybe even encouraged the behaviour? Planted ideas to support it? I dunno. But have they realised how wrong they were to suggest such things in the past? Do they recognise my worth? Will they have my interest, our interest, at heart when saying things? 

And in that same sense, you encouraged your frens who engaged in activities i wouldnt approve, like sleeping with married ppl. Does that mean you condone such behaviour? Does that mean you find nothing wrong if you or me were to do the same? 

Again, i understand this was the past when things werent going so great for you either and you did all you could to get out of it eventually. But i also feel i havent been completely assured of these things. Didnt help that you were still in contact and had plans to meet with someone who you were previously intimate with but never attempted to tell me abt it. I only knew because of that night. And this plans for dinner occurred after you were better. So what does this mean? I know you set the boundary and shut things down when things got weird. But why didnt you just tell me? Its really challenging my sense to trust.

And i really want to trust you. I always want to trust you. So i’m fighting hard against myself. Almost every day. Almost every night. 

I love you. 

To date, you are the greatest love of my life. And i want you to always be that. I choose you. I will always choose you. 

Do i need therapy?