Therapy?

 So I’ve been using this as my journal to help me reflect. 

Thats pretty much why the tone is so negative. 

Because i’m in a negtive head space once i feel the need to write. 

I need to admit something here. 

Almost every day, almost every night, i always feel so scared i’ll lose you.

I keep replaying things in my head. I dont want to keep replaying things in my head. But it happens. Almost all the time. 

And it always makes me feel like i’m not enough. Not good enough. But just enough. Not bad enough to leave. 

I know its not true. I see you doing all in your power to prove it wrong. We have talked about it openly. I know you weren’t in the right frame if mind when shit happened. 

I suppose what worries me is you also shared some of these things with your friends. And i felt they didnt really say anything to make you think otherwise. They maybe even encouraged the behaviour? Planted ideas to support it? I dunno. But have they realised how wrong they were to suggest such things in the past? Do they recognise my worth? Will they have my interest, our interest, at heart when saying things? 

And in that same sense, you encouraged your frens who engaged in activities i wouldnt approve, like sleeping with married ppl. Does that mean you condone such behaviour? Does that mean you find nothing wrong if you or me were to do the same? 

Again, i understand this was the past when things werent going so great for you either and you did all you could to get out of it eventually. But i also feel i havent been completely assured of these things. Didnt help that you were still in contact and had plans to meet with someone who you were previously intimate with but never attempted to tell me abt it. I only knew because of that night. And this plans for dinner occurred after you were better. So what does this mean? I know you set the boundary and shut things down when things got weird. But why didnt you just tell me? Its really challenging my sense to trust.

And i really want to trust you. I always want to trust you. So i’m fighting hard against myself. Almost every day. Almost every night. 

I love you. 

To date, you are the greatest love of my life. And i want you to always be that. I choose you. I will always choose you. 

Do i need therapy?