Ramblings

Old habits die hard. Its easy to fall into familiar patterns, even if those patterns were something that's from like more than a decade ago and you havent done them in awhile. And its not exactly good habits either. Sure, you get that rush of feel good like "yes i did it" but at the same time it also brings on more pain after like "why did i do that to myself this sucks"

feel bad to feel good but bad.

I dont want to feel bad to feel good but bad. I want to feel good to feel great. no buts. 

So anyway side track abit, I was just thinking about how my ex cheated on me, as much as she felt she didnt, and how she eventually got together with the guy after. and then i realised i dont really know much about the other guy. she eventually got married to someone else btw. Anyways i did what i seem to be really good at and found all the info on the guy. so apparently he was a scholar and is now working in the civil service. The way i see it, he has the potential to go far considering the work he has done and his current posting. Good on him. Don't really have any anger with him anymore because we've moved on with life. But on a personal level I'll never see him favourably though.

so anyways this just brings me back to how I perceive myself vs how others perceive me back then. If I take that idea that I was the dumb jock, then it makes sense how everything played out then. jock vs scholar. really does explain certain interactions and expectations of the time. but yeah thats about it on that end.

I also have a habit of dry running scenarios in my head. Job hazard maybe? but essentially i tend to imagine "what if" scenarios for the future and then what are the things i will or should do to get through these things. besides bundle up in a corner and cry. scenarios like death in the family, sudden loss, etc etc.

so very recently i just had a scenario that popped up in my head. what if due to circumstance i suddenly am introduced to someone who i sincerely hate with all my heart but the person themselves have no clue because they just dont know me? After much thought, i figured the way I would deal with it is simply make that interaction as awkward as possible in the most nonchalant way, to also let them know that i hate them to the core, without being violent. yeah. random thoughts i know.

I wish i was home.