Coming back here and going through all my old blogs sure brought back lots of memories and the feelings that followed those memories. Some of the memories aren't that clear anymore. But somehow even those fragments bring with them the same intensity of feelings of the time. I guess thats just how we work, feelings stick more strongly then the memory, even if we don't fully understand why.
But ah well.
Alot has changed since I was last here. I'm married 12 years now. We have three kids, though I can only spend physical time with 2 and the other one with just the short memories I have of him. It still makes me sad thinking of those last moments I had to feel him. I don't know why i kept keeping that barrier at that time. But I really wish i didnt now. All i have left are that last moments i felt him through D's tummy and then me just pulling away. Our other 2 kids never got to see him. But they always remember him and keep him alive in the small things they say, like my second child claiming he is the middle kid, and drawing him into all our family pictures.
I'm so lucky to have my wife. She keeps saying that she is the lucky one to have me. But i honestly feel like i'm the lucky one who caught an awesome girl who doesnt know her real value. I can't imagine my life without her. She makes me feel complete and is the balance to my life. we complement each other. And lately I have become so obsessed with her again like when we first dated. I could spend my time with her all day just lazing in bed and it would be an awesome day for me. I love my wife and i hope she loves me just as much too for as long as we live.
I'm still working in the same job i got after i graduated from uni. Made it into the elite unit even. pretty much my goal for joining this place. and i've learnt so much from it so far, experiencing so many things i wouldnt have gotten if i wasnt here. but i'm also feeling like i dont want to be here anymore. i dont have that same drive i had. i dont feel the urge to perform. I only do things to not get in trouble? i dunno. there are times when things happen and i remember the passion of why i wanted to be here. but those instances are fading faster these days. i feel like i should leave. but then what? we have some plans to break the norm but honestly i dont know how successful its going to be. as far as i know, no one really get much money out of this path i'm exploring now. but then again it is something i want to eventually do and it is here now. so why not right?
anyways if you happen to be an ex who for some reason found your way back here, i want to say i'm sorry for who i was. i realise now i was probably an ass. but it was also those experiences that helped shaped me into becoming a better person and to eventually finding my love of my life and being the right person for her. i hope things are going good on your end too.
ok, its getting late. i'm actually typing this at work at 2am because i've got too much on my mind and i just cant sleep. i also realised i dont write as much anymore when it was something i used to always do. maybe i should start journal writing again? it is some sort of a reflection exercise. might help me make sense of myself and what to do with my life. 10 yrs a captain holding a masters and i have no more real career ambitions anymore. is it a new trend of the generation to be like this? or is it just me?
till next time.
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