Hi darling, I've been trying to rationalise how I've been feeling the whole day. And just trying to be normal. But I think my attempts at being normal may not have escaped you. I'm guessing you can see through all that and have been giving me my space to be.
First off, I want to say, I love you as much as I loved you the day before. Nothing has changed, you were the love of my life yesterday and you still are today. You have done nothing in the few hours between yesterday and today to cause the way I feel now. This is all on me. Please do not feel responsible for it. It is all on me to deal. If anything, this has made me learn to appreciate and cherish you more, because you have pulled through it all and are still here with me, through all the crippling lows we have had. I will always be here for you and I will always fight for you.
You are my world, you are my life.
After having thought it through, I think the reason why I feel the way I do is because the reality of us 6-7 years ago did not match up to what I myself thought it was. Feelings are personal things, and we cant control how we feel. I cant control how you feel. It is what it is. This much I can accept. Still, it broke me knowing now that you felt I was the safe choice, and that you loved me, but not as the love of your life. It hurt me so deep that I did not realise this before, and I was just trucking along like it was all fine. That I was lacking in giving you complete fulfilment in life. To the point just a night out with a friend could throw everything into a whirlwind of uncertainty, where you couldn't even feel to want to sleep with me. There could be a variety of reasons why you felt that way at that time. But what bugs me the most is I didn't know, and I couldn't do anything to help save us. I though I was doing it all right. But I was not. And the underlying issue is you cant bring yourself to tell me things and share how you really feel about things sometimes.
I'm not sure why you felt so guarded then, or even now. I love you for all you are. I am obsessed with you. I would want to know everything that troubles you. And I want to be there for you.
So to know you were dealing with all this alone, makes me feel I have failed you as a husband. Please know you are not alone. I am here with you. Please don't leave me in the dark. As much as I share with you all my worries, my deepest desires, my greatest fears, I hope you do the same with me.
And I guess thats really it. You know me darling, I don't want to be a controlling husband. I want you to have your own circle of friends, and time for yourself to pursue things you want. And again, don't change anything you've been doing lately. It is all the same. My sadness is retroactive. I just have to deal with it with more huggies and what not.
With that said, all I ask is please to be open with me. Be open to sharing more with me. Give me the chance to improve, to do things right, to support you, to keep you fulfilled. Give me the chance to be the top choice for you, because you are my one and only.
With all my love,
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